The only thing I'm capable of doing now is cry. There's nothing else for me to do except sit around and be useless. Every damn thing seems to be my fault, one way or another. I want to give up. To run away and leave all my problems behind. To not feel hopelessly trapped, to not be worrying about mounds of assignments I should be doing, to not worry about anything. I want to die, more than anything right now. I know it's a very cowardly thing to say but at least dead people don't break down or have to do anything for that matter. I'm not ready to go but what other options are open to me? I want a plane ticket to the end of the earth so that when I reach my destination, the crust will split open and swallow me up into the pit of its stomach. The tears are flowing freely as I type this and I don't know what else to do. I feel crushed, broken and beaten down, kicked around and still not immune to the pain.
Every damn thing is my fault. Rub it in my face. Scream it to me so that I hear the words loud and clear. Make me feel bad. I need a break. I need a hug. I need support. I need so many things and I have none. I want to be heard. I'm irrational. I can't think straight. I need a candle and a hand to lead the way. I can't take any of this right now. I want to run as far as possible. I want to crouch in a corner and cry til I'm physically broken. I hate myself. I hate everything.
Shun me. Hate me. Push me away. Evil people deserve evil things, no? There's no where to turn to. Doors closed, windows latched. I can't be strong. I'm going out of my mind. Deaf ears all around. Cynical smiles and faces of sympathy that look down on me because of my weakness. My fault, my fault. I'm so alone. Cold and alone. Tired and alone. Depressed and alone. Vulnerable and hopeless. I want to stand at the edge of a cliff and just pretend that I can't see that I'm about to fall off the edge. One more step to oblivion. No matter how hard I wish, this feeling lingers, like the smell of shower gel on my skin even after a long day. It smells sweet, but suffocating at the same time; as if its secretly trying to asphyxiate me with its aroma.
Take me away. Far away. Erase my memories. Let me start afresh. My own terms. Undo my mistakes. I need to take another look at things that have slinked by. I'd wish for a dead heart. Honestly, life should come with a free rewind button.
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