The only thing I'm capable of doing now is cry. There's nothing else for me to do except sit around and be useless. Every damn thing seems to be my fault, one way or another. I want to give up. To run away and leave all my problems behind. To not feel hopelessly trapped, to not be worrying about mounds of assignments I should be doing, to not worry about anything. I want to die, more than anything right now. I know it's a very cowardly thing to say but at least dead people don't break down or have to do anything for that matter. I'm not ready to go but what other options are open to me? I want a plane ticket to the end of the earth so that when I reach my destination, the crust will split open and swallow me up into the pit of its stomach. The tears are flowing freely as I type this and I don't know what else to do. I feel crushed, broken and beaten down, kicked around and still not immune to the pain.
Every damn thing is my fault. Rub it in my face. Scream it to me so that I hear the words loud and clear. Make me feel bad. I need a break. I need a hug. I need support. I need so many things and I have none. I want to be heard. I'm irrational. I can't think straight. I need a candle and a hand to lead the way. I can't take any of this right now. I want to run as far as possible. I want to crouch in a corner and cry til I'm physically broken. I hate myself. I hate everything.
Shun me. Hate me. Push me away. Evil people deserve evil things, no? There's no where to turn to. Doors closed, windows latched. I can't be strong. I'm going out of my mind. Deaf ears all around. Cynical smiles and faces of sympathy that look down on me because of my weakness. My fault, my fault. I'm so alone. Cold and alone. Tired and alone. Depressed and alone. Vulnerable and hopeless. I want to stand at the edge of a cliff and just pretend that I can't see that I'm about to fall off the edge. One more step to oblivion. No matter how hard I wish, this feeling lingers, like the smell of shower gel on my skin even after a long day. It smells sweet, but suffocating at the same time; as if its secretly trying to asphyxiate me with its aroma.
Take me away. Far away. Erase my memories. Let me start afresh. My own terms. Undo my mistakes. I need to take another look at things that have slinked by. I'd wish for a dead heart. Honestly, life should come with a free rewind button.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The Silence of the Sufferer
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
Will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
Everyday I wake up to the burning on the left side of my chest. It feels like someone deliberately left the Bunsen burner on to finish what it started. Effective in waking me up from my much needed but fretful sleep, I dare say. It is the feeling of raw pain, staring at you right in the face, taunting you because it knows damn well it has the upper hand, that you're helpless against its sneers. It grips the heart with poisoned fingers, caresses it and laughs inwardly to itself. There's only so much I can do to quell it. And as I raise myself up to a sitting position, I realize that no amount of comfy pillows and warm blankets can stem the fear rising at the back of my throat. Eventually I crumble, letting the tears run rampant and sobs shake my body.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
But get up, I do. Standing beneath the trickling shower of hot water, I know that the situation is virtually hopeless. What shall I do now? In the aftermath of my highly irrational decision, I have no one to blame except me. But anyone in my shoes would have done the same thing. Wouldn't they? Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt. And the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is: never make decisions when your hormones decide to go bungee jumping. I'll try to imprint that onto my brain and hopefully it'll stay there. Breakfast is a challenge nowadays to try and keep the food where it belongs. Swallowing alone is a milestone. I have no control over anything now. I feel trapped. Ripped off. Alone. Frustratingly and painfully alone.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one I won't touch again
Why couldn't you just come out and say it? Would have saved me the time and false hopes. The stars will still wink to life at night and the wind blow in due course but nothing stays the same. What happened? Why? Mostly why. Always why. Just why.
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
You should have said it. What did you have to lose? Nothing. Maybe something to gain. It's murdering my ego more than you know it but yes, maybe something to gain. You should have said it. I asked you not once, not twice. The truth would have been bearable then. The accumulation of hopes fractured my soul and dropped to the ground like dead weight because gravity beckoned. Unfair, unfair, unfair. No matter which way it's twisted, fate's dark humor always prevails. And most of the time people don't get the joke; they don't even laugh when it's funny. They stare with empty eyes and blank faces.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can see what's good for you
Answers. Answers to the questions at the tip of my tongue. Anwers to the questions swirling around in my mind. Why not tell me to leave in my face if I was a mere friend? One friend lost and another to be gained, no worries. But why the hesitation and broken voice? Maybe closure is what's needed. But deep down I have an inkling that we're not over yet. Please. I don't know what else to do.
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile, come back and shine just like it used to be
And she whispered, "How could you do this to me?"
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
Will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
Everyday I wake up to the burning on the left side of my chest. It feels like someone deliberately left the Bunsen burner on to finish what it started. Effective in waking me up from my much needed but fretful sleep, I dare say. It is the feeling of raw pain, staring at you right in the face, taunting you because it knows damn well it has the upper hand, that you're helpless against its sneers. It grips the heart with poisoned fingers, caresses it and laughs inwardly to itself. There's only so much I can do to quell it. And as I raise myself up to a sitting position, I realize that no amount of comfy pillows and warm blankets can stem the fear rising at the back of my throat. Eventually I crumble, letting the tears run rampant and sobs shake my body.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
But get up, I do. Standing beneath the trickling shower of hot water, I know that the situation is virtually hopeless. What shall I do now? In the aftermath of my highly irrational decision, I have no one to blame except me. But anyone in my shoes would have done the same thing. Wouldn't they? Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt. And the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is: never make decisions when your hormones decide to go bungee jumping. I'll try to imprint that onto my brain and hopefully it'll stay there. Breakfast is a challenge nowadays to try and keep the food where it belongs. Swallowing alone is a milestone. I have no control over anything now. I feel trapped. Ripped off. Alone. Frustratingly and painfully alone.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one I won't touch again
Why couldn't you just come out and say it? Would have saved me the time and false hopes. The stars will still wink to life at night and the wind blow in due course but nothing stays the same. What happened? Why? Mostly why. Always why. Just why.
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
You should have said it. What did you have to lose? Nothing. Maybe something to gain. It's murdering my ego more than you know it but yes, maybe something to gain. You should have said it. I asked you not once, not twice. The truth would have been bearable then. The accumulation of hopes fractured my soul and dropped to the ground like dead weight because gravity beckoned. Unfair, unfair, unfair. No matter which way it's twisted, fate's dark humor always prevails. And most of the time people don't get the joke; they don't even laugh when it's funny. They stare with empty eyes and blank faces.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can see what's good for you
Answers. Answers to the questions at the tip of my tongue. Anwers to the questions swirling around in my mind. Why not tell me to leave in my face if I was a mere friend? One friend lost and another to be gained, no worries. But why the hesitation and broken voice? Maybe closure is what's needed. But deep down I have an inkling that we're not over yet. Please. I don't know what else to do.
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile, come back and shine just like it used to be
And she whispered, "How could you do this to me?"
Saturday, September 24, 2011
A Reckoning
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurting while I'm with you
Though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
I'm scared. Scared shitless. Scared straight. Whatever. Bottom line is, I'm scared. Apprehensive. I don't know how tonight will turn out.
The question is, why lead me on when you have no intention of falling through? It sucks. Actually, the word sucks is inadequate in describing the emotional turmoil I'm going through. And the crime scene in my pants isn't helping in any way either. Fucking hormones. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck. Like seriously.
And Monday is coming around the corner all too soon. Back to bad management, screeching brakes, blue roofs and dismal tiles. I hate my life. There's a nagging at the back of my head, reminding me that I have to start working on those assignments before they rival Everest in height. But I'm stuck and I feel like crying. Oh wait, crying is the only damned thing I've been doing since last week. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection in it. Swollen eyes, messy hair and tears that leave salty crusts in their wake.
I'm going to pick up the phone tonight and probably listen to your voice for the last time. Its killing me. For this past week, everytime I see you name, my heart feels like it's being squeezed by a hand cast in iron. If you could only imagine how that feels. Hurts, doesn't it?
If I just liked you, it wouldn't be a problem for me to turn around and walk away and just pretend that none of this ever happened. The thing is, I love you.
If only you knew.
Friday, September 16, 2011
That Thing You Do
I found out. Left the open house in a hurry. But she still doesn't get it. Don't touch me when I feel vulnerable. The backlash should have been anticipated. Crying while driving. Tears blurring the outline of the road. Stepping on the gas pedal harder than necessary. The dull ache in the cavity of my chest. Reaching home but not feeling the warmth. Honest.
Conquer your fears. I'm trying to swallow them whole as they're being shoved down my throat.
Ghost Town Adresses
Shattered. That's what I feel, in a nutshell. I don't care what kind or how many excuses they all generously come up for you, but this is a little overwhelming for me. Not now, not ever will I be ready to face this. If it didn't hurt me so bad, I would have packed my all excess baggage and sent them to the bottom of the ocean in a heartbeat. Thoughts that manifest into actions. Let no one find it. Let the fish stake claim. I don't care.
So how does this work? I slog and you bask in the sunshine? A knife deliberately traced across my throat, the cold metal blade dangerously close to severing the pain, once and for all. Do it! Don't think, because you might have second thoughts. You have to be merciless to have mercy. Remorse is just another word in the dictionary, another word someone somewhere in history came up with. It shouldn't concern you. Remember; merciless. You don't have a heart. And that's all that matters.
Respect is dwindling fast. I'm not sure wether to disrespect you for being a liar for twisting the truth, or for being a coward for not being able to stand up and face the truth. It hurts. More than you know, more than I care to let on.
I've just survived the crummiest two weeks of my year so far. I can't handle this right now. Smiling is hard because every millimeter my lips stretches, a piece of my heart is broken inside and falls into a dark abyss, irretrievably lost. Talking is hard because every word is a chore and the fear of my voice cracking being heard by everyone around me is a real threat in my mind. You've kept me sane for a fortnight. The tables have turned. Now you're being the instigator of my downfall. I did it once, I'm not sure the slightest bit if I'll be able to repeat the feat a second time. Encores are best left for musicians that have issues with their egoes.
I need to be rescued, but my hero is only a figment of my imagination.
So how does this work? I slog and you bask in the sunshine? A knife deliberately traced across my throat, the cold metal blade dangerously close to severing the pain, once and for all. Do it! Don't think, because you might have second thoughts. You have to be merciless to have mercy. Remorse is just another word in the dictionary, another word someone somewhere in history came up with. It shouldn't concern you. Remember; merciless. You don't have a heart. And that's all that matters.
Respect is dwindling fast. I'm not sure wether to disrespect you for being a liar for twisting the truth, or for being a coward for not being able to stand up and face the truth. It hurts. More than you know, more than I care to let on.
I've just survived the crummiest two weeks of my year so far. I can't handle this right now. Smiling is hard because every millimeter my lips stretches, a piece of my heart is broken inside and falls into a dark abyss, irretrievably lost. Talking is hard because every word is a chore and the fear of my voice cracking being heard by everyone around me is a real threat in my mind. You've kept me sane for a fortnight. The tables have turned. Now you're being the instigator of my downfall. I did it once, I'm not sure the slightest bit if I'll be able to repeat the feat a second time. Encores are best left for musicians that have issues with their egoes.
I need to be rescued, but my hero is only a figment of my imagination.
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