Look Away, Separate Ways

For a moment there,
I saw an ounce of promise in you.
But you weren't strong enough
to follow through on that.

I just hope, for your sake,
that you one day find it again;
That you manage to brush away
the rubble in your head
and find a way
to love, and be loved.

It's something you've been without for far too long.

Author unknown

Slit Wrists

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have a say in who hurts you."

-John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Chipped Tea Cups

Where do you run to escape from yourself?

I'm sure you've heard the expression that when you desire something, the universe conspires in your favor to get you what you want. Or something to that effect. More or less. Let me just tell you that I think that that claim is utter bullshit.
Based on my diligent observation, what happens is the exact opposite. And it's a vicious cycle. What's worse is that problems surface one after the other as though premeditated by some unseen hand, dragging you down into bottomless vortex that throws you around on your way down.
So what do you do?

Where you gonna go? Salvation is here.

Scissors & Silk

Today is Tuesday in Malaysia. 5 days to go until the start of the semester. And slowly things are starting to unravel. It's just one of those days where uneasy feelings are accumulated and it just simmers and curdles in your chest, leaving you with a sick pit of nothingness in your stomach. I feel like I'm holding on to a tattered cloth flying in the wind and at any moment the cloth will  be rendered asunder, leaving me to succumb to the pull of gravity and ultimately to my death.
I hope to God that you're not a liar. Please don't be. Please. I've been hurt before and I know what it feels like to not be able to put your trust in somebody that you so desperately want to, above all else in the world. That pedestal of yours that I'd built is fragile. It could crumble at any moment. One false move and it will shatter into a million pieces that will simply refuse to fit back together. I'd lose all respect for you. That is the truth.
I'm serious. Please.
Only time will tell, she said. Get to know him first.
If he's a liar, why should I bother even sticking around?
You don't know for sure.
All I know is, if I ever get to the bottom of this, I don't think I'll be able to trust anyone ever again. This could be history literally repeating itself.
Anyways. Overthinking and -analyzing are not the only things I did during the semester break. For the first time ever, I did work! Like actual, physical work. Well, not so physical but physical (for me!) nonetheless. I helped out my aunt to sell cookies and cakes at a bazaar at the Shah Alam State Mosque recently. Mishaps aplenty but in all, a job well done I daresay. I deserve a pat on the back for my efforts. Definitely a milestone for me. Me, a person who can't even handle her own change and fumbles at the cashier when paying bills; yes, I HANDLED THE CASH REGISTER FOR THE WHOLE TWO-AND-A-HALF DAYS!!! I know right, big deal. Daunting, but I survived to tell the tale.

 Some of the stuff I sold at the stall.

 

Proud to say that that wasn't the only thing I did during the two weeks. I also volunteered to teach some Somalian kids near Gombak. An awesome experience indeed. I had a great time. When handling children, there's always drama to be expected. Good drama.



My small class: Bishal, Amin, me and Naja.



Amin, 6.



 

Naja, 4.


 

Bishal, 5.


 

Bishal and Amin working hard on their masks during the creativity session.




Bishal, hard at work.




A green cat for Amin.




Naveena's group.


 

Liyana and her charges.




Amin and his finished mask.



Bishal and his masterpiece.



Growlll!!

 

Catwoman.



Would I do it again? Hell yes. Worth all the bickering, tears, head-knocking, biscuit-stealing and even losing my beloved eraser.

Bullet-proof

Everything is fine and everything will be fine.
I wish I didn't have so much time on my hands. One minute I'm happy and in the next second I'm feel down and out. I wish I could turn off the overthinking button in my head.
Everything is fine and everything will be fine.
The exam results turn out to be okay, the holidays will be over and done with in a jiffy.
Everything is fine and everything will be fine.
We ended the semester on a high. Things had turned out better than expected. It's not possible for someone to completely forget what happened to him- or herself over the course of a month, right? Especially if it was a good memory.
Fastforward to the 25th of June already!

THIS.

Nutella x de!

There was definitely a reaction. Most definitely. A double-take.
SCORE!!
Yes. That's a good sign. I just hope it's enough to last me three weeks.

"Be realistic," he told me.

I am useless when I'm happy. Happiness makes me content and contentment makes me lax. Laxness leads to unproductivity. Meaning, less thinking about anything and everything, and lesser blogposts. Eloquency in writing is bestowed on me when I'm in a state of sadness. In speech, eloquency is achieved when I'm angry. Really, when I'm angry, my ideas become chrystal clear and I give a stellar performance in expressing my feelings and thoughts. Sadness has the same effect on me. I wonder why.
I'd just like to point out that before I die, I would love to be as wise and full of wisdom and philosophically-apt just like Paulo Coelho. Every word that comes out of the man's mouth is laced with magic, I tell you. And they make such perfect sense that you would find no better way to express those phrases. How does one become so graceful in thought? Does it come naturally or is it environmentally induced? I have so many ideas bursting from my mind that I keep silent about them most of the time. And when someone comes along and tells me about his/her brilliant plan, I keep thinking to myself, I thought about the exact same thing a few days ago. Why didn't I say it out loud? 
What if my silence makes me fall short of achieving great things? What if it deprives me of exploring my fortunes? I know I'm good for something, but I keep feeling as though I'm not good enough for the big time. I'm able to grasp complicated and elaborate philosophical ideas in a heartbeat, that's more than what most people can take credit for. I just wished I had more guts to let people in on my ideas. But I don't trust myself. That would prove fatal in the long run.
So my nieces and nephews are here for the holidays. A bunch of peculiar brats if I ever saw one. And they're adolescents, mind you. So it's awkward that we're almost the same age but have nothing to talk about. I don't know wether I should continue feigning indifference or... or... I dunno, feigning indifference?
I hope that you're thinking about me, now that you're in another country, back where you came from, in the comfort of your own home, surrounded by friends and family. Be safe. I hope that both time and distance turn out to be kind to me. Psychological studies suggest that when you can't stop thinking about someone, it's likely because they're thinking about you as well. I know it sounds like a whole load of bullshit but hey, a girl can hope. Right?

Gah!

Nine days til my last paper. Nine days of unproductivity. Followed by three weeks of more nothingness. Boy, this already feels like forever.