This is sick. You don't even know I exist on the face of this God-forsaken planet. And it's not my right, but I miss you. Maybe you'll remember me when we meet again. Maybe you won't. Which one would hurt more? Or hurt less? One thing's for sure though, either option would be hurtful. And that's not even a word. Is it?
Is it weird? To fall for a smile and to hold on to a memory. To want something so bad but being terrified to hold it in your hands. To want a change without doing anything. To want to be brave but being frightened of the outcome. To want to take charge but desperately lacking in courage; unable to move a muscle, let a lone breathe.
You'll come back in two months. Maybe the campus would prove itself to be larger than life and maybe we'll never cross paths ever again. But I know I'd still look for you in every face that I come across just hoping and wishing that maybe, just maybe you'd be doing the same too. Maybe we could prove everyone wrong. Maybe everything would work out exactly the way I want it to be.
This time around it's different. I want you but I'm scared to let you in. Last time around, I'd have crushes on so many guys and yet at the end of the day still want to go back to that one person. Knowing that he'd be there to fall back on. But now he's not there anymore. I kicked him out. First love or no, I cater for what's in my best interests. He wasn't worth it. I won't be able to go back to my comfort place because it no longer exists. You are the first person, since ever, that I'm letting in wholeheartedly. He's ruined me, and I've been subconsciously afraid to go out into the world again. Now I'm completely unarmed and vulnerable. My guard is down. I wish you'd step up. I really do.
Even if it doesn't work out, it would be okay. I've been there once, doesn't mean I won't get out again.
I'm talking as though there's nothing left for me. Not a spectre of hope. But there is, isn't there? Nothing is set in stone yet. The future hasn't been written in ink; only in the sand by the shore. When the waves come crashing in, the future will be wiped out again. A clean slate. The secret is to be careful when making decisions in the present because those very decisions determine the future. Overthinking and worrying only serve to steal my happiness away by insinuating evil and despair.
For seven weeks I've tried to keep my feelings in check. I should never be left to my own devices and with tonnes of free time. It'll only lead to my favorite pastime of overthinking.
I am done with my graceless heart, tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. Cause I like to keep my issues drawn, it's always darkest before the dawn.
What do I do? I know what I want. I want to have a face-to-face coversation with you and learn more about you, not just relying on secondhand references from friends. And none of that online chatting rubbish either. Too impersonal for me. I saw you online the other day and my heart almost leapt out of my throat. I wonder how would you react if you knew it was that girl that you keep stealing glances at and act awkwardly around from History class that was on your chat list. I wonder how you would react if you knew if it was me.
My mother is closing in on my little secret. I've fallen for you and I've fallen hard. She knows. It's becoming increasingly impossible to act aloof about it anymore. Dear God, just this once I want everything to work out in my favor. Please. Pretty please, with swirled cream and a dusting of cinnamon powder on top. Amen.
