The Other Side of Sanity

From Abu Hurairah, who related that the Prophet PBUH said,

"Believers who are strong (in the eyes) of Allah and are more loved (by Him) than believers who are weak, it being understood that there is goodness (faith) in everyone. So, you should diligently seek to that which benefits you and seek the help of Allah and do not be hesitant or lazy;

And, if you are smitten with something, do not say- if I do such and such, such and such will come about, but say, Allah has written and what has been willed by His Wisdom, He will put into effect;

for the word 'if' opens the door to the persuasions of Satan."

When faith wavers, it's easy to lose hope. Reaffirming my focus gets hard to do. My imagination runs into overdrive, spinning out of control, like a car on wet tarmac. Different circumstances are conjured up in my mind, suffocating me like a thick blanket of smoke. Hope becomes a foreign word, as if it never existed in the first place. The people around me start whispering vile insidious things, plaguing me with doubt. It becomes a very dark and unfriendly environment all too soon. Fights break out. Shouting matches that last for hours on end. The tears that are shed afterwards.

Leave me alone! Do me a favour and shut up while you're at it.
Assuming things isn't going to make things better. Over-analyzing just adds agony to an otherwise mild situation. It's best if we just kept an open mind about it all. I know being optimistic is not exactly one of your more stronger points, but just bear with me. There's nothing wrong with anything. The only thing that's wrong is you, spreading like a dark cloud to ruin a sunny day. I hate that. And I most definitely hate you when you're in "storm cloud mode".
No matter what you say or think or do, you'll be proven wrong in the end. He has never been cruel to me and I dare say that He certainly isn't going to start now. He's always had my back, I was the ungrateful one who turned away. I've realised my mistake and I'm hellbent on not repeating it.
What I want, I will get. All I have to do is ask.

Weakling, I Am.

I don't know why I even bother. It's always the same. It's like we have our private repeat button. A quarter of a step forward then a zillion more to the back. And then I have to retreat into my little dark corner to lick my wounds. But before I start licking them clean, salt is rubbed in deep.
 You're just plain bad news. The words 'STAY AWAY' is written all over you but for some damn reason,  I don't seem to comprehend the meaning those words are trying to convey. The moment you smile, I immediately go weak in the knees. Yes, literally. And as if on queue, all the other systems in my body shut down, one after the other. All my 'iron' resolve then vaporizes into thin air and I'm back right where you left me, useless and stupid.
Yep, you have that kind of power over me. Pesky insignificant little you. God, I hate you! And I hate myself for being so easily persuaded by your idiocy. I was never this pathetic little human being prior to meeting you. But thats what I have been reduced to since knowing you. I walked with an air of arrogance and was so sure of everything, especially what it is that I wanted. But I guess arrogance is not a good trait to possess. So back to earth I was sent.
I have a confession to make. Everything before 'us' was fun. When you asked me that bloody moronic question, I had a good mind to say no in your face. But you looked like a vulnerable little puppy who desperately needed a home. So I took you in. Yes, I did it out of pity. The following two days was spent beating myself up for accepting something I didn't want. On the third day, I knew I couldn't make it without you.

I am an idiot.

We went our seperate ways and I cried almost every night. Then there was a relapse period where I tried to convince myself that nothing was going to be written in the next chapter of the book. And it worked. Almost. But there were sessions in the shower, in the room, anywhere that people wouldn't see or hear me crying over something so trivial. To me, that was good progress. Very good, in fact, because it occured only once in a while, not on a damned 24-hour cycle.
So much for progress, right? Seeing you again the other day set me off. Now every single thing reminds me of you. Sometimes it makes me smile like a lunatic for no reason but most of the time it pushes me to the brink of insanity.

It seems like peace is the only thing I'll never know.
Bloody well said.

The LOL Factor

Yeah. Precisely.

My Little Bubble of Happiness

I smiled for a whole 48 hours after seeing you the other day. I wish we could start over. Even if it's from square one. We keep talking about it but never once tried to implement it. I'd like to say hi and ask you about your day. Having a civilized conversation would be too much to ask for so I'll settle for a few words.

We never ended, we're just beginning.