I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
Will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
Everyday I wake up to the burning on the left side of my chest. It feels like someone deliberately left the Bunsen burner on to finish what it started. Effective in waking me up from my much needed but fretful sleep, I dare say. It is the feeling of raw pain, staring at you right in the face, taunting you because it knows damn well it has the upper hand, that you're helpless against its sneers. It grips the heart with poisoned fingers, caresses it and laughs inwardly to itself. There's only so much I can do to quell it. And as I raise myself up to a sitting position, I realize that no amount of comfy pillows and warm blankets can stem the fear rising at the back of my throat. Eventually I crumble, letting the tears run rampant and sobs shake my body.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
But get up, I do. Standing beneath the trickling shower of hot water, I know that the situation is virtually hopeless. What shall I do now? In the aftermath of my highly irrational decision, I have no one to blame except me. But anyone in my shoes would have done the same thing. Wouldn't they? Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt. And the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is: never make decisions when your hormones decide to go bungee jumping. I'll try to imprint that onto my brain and hopefully it'll stay there. Breakfast is a challenge nowadays to try and keep the food where it belongs. Swallowing alone is a milestone. I have no control over anything now. I feel trapped. Ripped off. Alone. Frustratingly and painfully alone.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one I won't touch again
Why couldn't you just come out and say it? Would have saved me the time and false hopes. The stars will still wink to life at night and the wind blow in due course but nothing stays the same. What happened? Why? Mostly why. Always why. Just why.
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
You should have said it. What did you have to lose? Nothing. Maybe something to gain. It's murdering my ego more than you know it but yes, maybe something to gain. You should have said it. I asked you not once, not twice. The truth would have been bearable then. The accumulation of hopes fractured my soul and dropped to the ground like dead weight because gravity beckoned. Unfair, unfair, unfair. No matter which way it's twisted, fate's dark humor always prevails. And most of the time people don't get the joke; they don't even laugh when it's funny. They stare with empty eyes and blank faces.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can see what's good for you
Answers. Answers to the questions at the tip of my tongue. Anwers to the questions swirling around in my mind. Why not tell me to leave in my face if I was a mere friend? One friend lost and another to be gained, no worries. But why the hesitation and broken voice? Maybe closure is what's needed. But deep down I have an inkling that we're not over yet. Please. I don't know what else to do.
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile, come back and shine just like it used to be
And she whispered, "How could you do this to me?"
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