I remember seeing Fish the other day at the Main Auditorium. He was standing at the counter, waiting to collect his book voucher. I noticed that he looked at me for a fraction of a second, as though he wanted to tell me something. Possibly something important. Then that look faded away. No, I decided. No, I won't let myself dwell on it. What was the use? There was no proof to substantiate my facts. Well played, Fish. I underestimated you. Clearly, I was wrong. At that given moment I didn't mouth a single word to anyone because I sincerely thought I was imagining things. No one would have believed me anyway. They'd only say I was attributing a thing to something that was nonexistent. Why would Fish ever open his mouth in front of me? No reason. So kept it to myself, I did. Turns out my eyes weren't playing tricks on me after all. Apprehension blossomed rampantly within the pits of my stomach, like a seed of dread being planted at the bottom of my heart which grew into storm clouds that darkened my day. What if something like this happened in another situation and I was too blind to notice or say anything to anyone in fear that they'd shut me out, only to regret the consequences? Still, in this situation, I simply cannot find solace in knowing that I have the privilege to say, "I told you so."
Are you sad?
Yes, we may never get another chance. And maybe I'll never find out.
So... it's roughly about 18 weeks, right?
Yeah, of hell.
Do you think he'll still remember you by then?
I highly doubt he will.
You're attached, aren't you?
Sort of.
And that's bad?
Yes, most definitely.
So what are you going to do?
I haven't the slightest idea.
But, in a way, this is what you wanted, no?
Well, yes but he didn't have to bust his leg and take the semester off.
You said you saw Fish and his reaction, why not say something to someone?
And be branded delusional? They'd only say I was seeing things that weren't there because I like him.
You should have trusted your instincts.
Are you kidding me? It's the most unreliable thing after the wretched heart.
But it was right anyway.
Sheer dumb luck.
What are you thinking about right now?
Katy Perry's The One That Got Away.
What made you like him?
There's no way to describe it.
Maybe you should go with what your heart says?
Like I said, the heart is the most unreliable thing ever invented. I could never trust it with my life.
But you were right when you felt something was wrong.
So? It doesn't change anything.
Admit it, you have an uncanny ability of knowing when something doesn't feel right.
I do but never mistake it as a gift. It's a curse.
Define WMD.
Hope.
Do you think you're in the process of repeating the same mistake?
I'll never know if I don't try.
Look at the bright side.
I need a miracle. 18 weeks is too long a time.
Maybe you'll find someone new.
Maybe. Maybe not. I hope so, though. But even if I did, I doubt I'll ever recover fully.
Do you hate your life?
Don't ask.
Do you miss being happy?
How do you miss something you can't remember?
Do you think life is unfair?
Honestly, no.
What do you wish for?
To be happy.
But you know that having feelings for someone has a potentiality of leading to heartache and heartbreak?
Yes, I am aware.
And?
I just haven't mastered my heart yet.
Do you hate your heart?
Yes. Ironically, with all my heart.
So what will you do with it?
Rip it out of my chest, chop it into pieces, burn it and feed it to the hounds of hell.
Really?
Literally.
Do you think you're in too deep?
Yes. It's perposterous.
What do you want right now?
To feel calm and contented.
How do you feel now? In a general sense.
Like there's absolutely nothing to look forward to in life. Nothing truly excites me or makes my blood rush to my head and leaves me giddy.
Do you need a hug?
Yes, I do.
From?
Enigma.
Maybe things will look up. Maybe things will work out.
When, pray tell?
You'll find someone, don't worry. Someone who'll accept you and love you and appreciate you and make you happy.
Well he's taking a mighty long time now, isn't he? Idiot.
Misery is your best friend?
For life.
Are you jealous that everyone else is happy?
Yes. I'd be lying if I said no. And I'm scared that my time won't ever come.
What are you doing?
Over-thinking, what else am I fit for?
You should stop doing that.
Breaking the habit is hard to do.
But you're so young.
I know.
What's the rush?
I don't know.
He's not yours.
I know. And I have no right to feel this way.
Does he even know you exist?
I guess not. I can't say for sure. Maybe I imagined everything.
But he smiled at you.
I bet he forgot 5 seconds later.
Does he know your name?
I don't know. Maybe not.
Why didn't you do anything when he gave you signals?
Idiocy at work.
But you hoped?
I did. I'm so stupid.
What now?
Have a good cry and wish it all away. But that wouldn't change a single thing.
Would being defiant help?
Probably not.
Then face the facts, damn you!
Dealing with a heart that I didn't break, he said.
How about taking chances?
Terrified.
What would you like him to know?
That I could make him happy, if I had the chance.
Maybe you should talk to him.
I want to. Badly. To his face.
Bold.
It's a suicide mission.
Do you think he likes you?
A mere fantasy.
But you wouldn't know if you didn't try.
Opportunity eludes me still.
I wish you luck.
I'll be needing every ounce I can get.
So what happens next semester?
Keep my options open. I can't afford to get hurt again.
But you'd still hope for him?
Depends.
PS: I hope they don't kill Murtagh because that would only aggravate the situation.
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