Regardless

If there ever was a word in the history of mankind to describe you, only one single word, that word would be bipolar. Yes. Very succinct. Precise and to the point. You and your little mood swings and bursts of emotions. You never cease to baffle me. Hell, I never cease to baffle  me. I can't keep this up for long. I can't keep living like this; waiting, unsure, insecure.
We can't even make it through the week without falling out. We don't fight or anything, we just fall out. Just like that. Then you retreat to your far corner where no light penetrates and become one with the shadows. You simply vanish from the face of the earth and there's no way to reach you, not by any means. Oh God, the waiting. When we start, it's a bang, all fireworks and sound, frenzied to the point of going off the radar. But when we stop, it's the silence of the crypt, nothing moves, no sign of life whatsoever.
Every single day, without fail, the people I am (sometimes) unfortunate enough to call my family drive me to the brink of exhaustion and insanity. And you're that little beacon of hope, keeping me in check. But I highly doubt you're aware of your role. It gets so frustrating at times. Hope is like a double-edged sword. Hope is the embodiment of evil, its very essence, in fact. And I am hopelessly hopeful when it comes to you.
Right now, I feel like emptying the recycling bin for glass bottles over my head so that everything comes down in a shower of pain and colour. I feel like lying on the road so that a steamroller can come along and crush the life out of me. I feel like ripping the hairs out of my scalp and rolling in the mud. I feel like banging my head against the door repeatedly.
One day in the future, I'll be laughing about this. Re-reading  all my blogposts and looking back in time, there would be no doubt about it. But the present is a stalker who doesn't yield to my threats and restraining orders.
Once in a while I wonder how would you react if it was me that was pulling the tantrums. I bet my ass you'd be gone before I could even bat an eyelid. I saw your picture online yesterday. The sweat on your forehead, the mess of hair, the broad shoulders. Man, the emotions that tugged at my heartstrings! I'm so ashamed for letting myself feel that way. I feel worthless. I miss you, dammit. Do something about it. Urgh.
You know what, I spend half my time thinking about how much I love you and the other half wishing that we'd never met.