Shattered.

Do you ever get that feeling? The feeling of total desperation that all you experience is numbness? The feeling of grasping at straws, but the straws are somehow gravity-defiant and they just float beyond your fingers, out of reach. The feeling of helplessness, of sudden depression, of self-pity, of doubt. 

The law of attraction states that you are what you think. Meaning, whatever you imagine will eventually become your reality. Truth is, I am too terrified to even think in terms of happiness. My thoughts wander and happy thoughts seem unfathomable sometimes. Deep down, I know that if I tried hard enough, if I wasn't so scared, I would probably win the war. But what are the odds? I don't know what's happening behind my back. I only have two eyes and there is only so much that I can do, only so much that I can handle.

I almost gave up on you, that's the truth. But in my moment of desperation, I asked for a sign. And I got one, as I always do. I hope that I don't read them wrongly in my eagerness to justify my wanting of you. How does does one know if something is considered a sign anyway? But then again, everything in life is an omen. What happens when one day I ask and the signs stop showing? What will I do then? I hope all these little indications are a precursor to better things, a happy ending, and not just some twisted divine joke. 

I need help, a miracle even. Help me, help me, help me. I'm dying to know how this story ends, but the naked truth is, I'm terrified.