The Twenty List

Situations choke you. They bog you down and shackle you. They break your spirit and render you worthless.

The people around you tell you to stop believing in your dreams. Dreams are hard. Belief is a tricky thing. I’ve always wondered and marvelled at the people who stick to their beliefs so religiously, to suffer in the process but in the end being able to live it out and bask in the sweetness of it all.

If I ever get the chance, I would tell you that I hate you from the bottom of my heart.

I hate you for:

1. making me hope
2. stealing glances
3. running after me
4. your friends who give me hope as well
5. your cowardice
6. your eyes
7. making me doubt
8. your inability to muster the courage to come talk to me
9. acting awkward and abnormal around me
10. not saying no
11. making me cry myself to sleep
12. still being stuck in your stupid predicament
13. being adorable
14. failing to be assertive
15. your ability to vanish into thin air
16. making me feel broken and empty
17. not fighting for me hard enough
18. being bold from a distance
19. making me believe
20. making me love you

If I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake you until you woke up from your stupor. Maybe… it would have been better if we never met? But miracles do happen, don't they?

Almost. Almost.

I've lost my smile. I've lost weight. I've lost sleep. I've lost my health. I've lost my head. I've lost my senses. I've lost my will. I've lost a lot and I’m still losing it.

The future scares me a lot. I lose cupfuls of tears thinking about it. Each day passes. The clock does its job, its hands ticking to a rhythm and stops for no one.

Every day is the same.

I wake up. Hope. Pray. Be hopeful. Remember. Think. Analyse. And then crumble.

One can only take so much. I’m not strong enough. I’m not one of those inspiring people you read about and idolize. I’m nobody’s hero. Let alone myself. I feel as though I am capable of nothing. And perhaps destined to remain mediocre for the rest of my life. Maybe a few highlights here and there but nothing lasting, just small imprints that nobody remembers the morning after, just vague memories that gets swept away by the blowing breeze. Just a face, without a name to it. Maybe no one will even bother to inquire about the girl who walked through the corridors of the faculty, ate at the cafe during lunch, paid attention in class, hoping to be on the Dean’s List every semester. Maybe no one will remember me. Unremarkable, sad, utterly forgettable.

How many people would notice my absence? How many would miss me when I’m gone. Most probably none.

It’s not that I’m complaining, it’s just that my luck always seems to fall short. How come everybody else gets a shot at what they want and how come I don’t qualify?

People kill people. Maybe not using guns or knives or bombs or even using their bare hands but sometimes by just being verbal. People kill with words too. You know how you come across these people who have been through a lot that their life practically deserves to be made into a movie? The ones that say they've been to hell and back and nothing could ever break them? We all wish we were just like them, or at least I wish so. To be so strong that nothing anybody did to hurt me would destroy me. But the reality is, the moment somebody says something that’s contrary to what I think, I feel immediately worthless. That paranoia just creeps into my brain and poisons my thinking. People’s realities are a reflection of their thoughts. I get so scared that what that person says might come true that I become immobile.

People pretend to care. They pretend to listen to your stories, nodding and exclaiming at the right moments, sighing when the situation seems slightly desperate. When you tell them your story, you’re letting them in, you’re being vulnerable, you’re risking trust, letting them know what stirs you, exposing the core of your being. But when you open your mouth to speak, the words seem empty and shallow. All of a sudden, you feel stupid for holding these things so dear to your heart and for letting others know. You fear their sneers, their jeers, their mocking voice in response, their judging stares. But just a moment ago you swear that these things are a part of you, the layers which made you you.

Lips service is all they do. One day they’re your cheerleaders, your haters in the next.

Life is more than frustrating sometimes. It makes you want to scream until you’re hoarse, to tear out your hair, to cry until your eyes sting and puff. Even when all that is done, the problems still remain and just refuse to go away.

I wish there was someone out there in the universe who understood me, wholly. Someone who would understand that some days I would be extremely difficult to handle, have bouts of depression and insecurities, smile at the little things and cry when something tugged at my heartstrings and still look at me the same way, without thinking I was weird or lame or dumb. Someone I could talk to about anything without being judged, someone who would know all the right things to say when I get upset. Someone who would be there during my lows and celebrate me during my highs. Someone who laughed at the same things I did. Someone with a sense of humor  Someone who likes reading, someone who is curious and random at the same time, and someone shy and bold, someone who would hug me when me world comes crashing down. Someone like me. I hope I find it in you. I hope to find you to complete me. To complete us. Until then, I hope I manage to find the strength to carry on.

I want to be happy.

Un-whole.

Because I am insecure. Because I don't know. Because I am not good enough. Because time is running out. Because the future is uncertain. Because everything is falling apart. Because of the silence. Because of distance. Because of pressure. Because of emotions. Because of glass. Because of tears. Because of assumptions. Because of soldiering on. Because of fatigue. Because of giving up. Because of contemplating. Because of over-thinking. Because of music. Because of beauty. Because of interpretations. Because of demons. Because of phantoms. Because of angels. Because of miracles. Because of magic. Because of belief. Because of brown eyes. Because of coffee. Because of muffins. Because of raindrops. Because of sunshine. Because of suffocation. Because of falling short. Because of missed chances. Because of cowardice. Because of elation. Because of confidence. Because of tricks. Because of the truth. Because of the lies. Because of time. Because of black watches. Because of broad shoulders. Because of hope. Because of drowning. Because of depression. Because of numbness.Because of chocolate chip cookies. Because of ignorance. Because of isolation. Because of breathing. Because of sleeping. Because of nightmares. Because of fantasies. Because of sweet dreams. Because of brownies. Because of Baskin Robbin's mint chocolate chip ice cream. Because of promises. Because of balloons. Because of fears. Because of words. Because of actions. Because of absence. Because of courage. Because of madness. Because sadness. Because of fragments. Because of memories. Because of hospital beds. Because of procrastination. Because of invincibility. Because of frailness. Because of screaming. Because of breaking down. Because of happiness. Because of bubbles. Because of blank pages. Because of color pencils. Because of long walks. Because of story books. Because of anticipation. Because of nervousness. Because of your smile. Because of your walk. Because of eye contact. Because of shyness. Because I met you. Because I want you. Because you're worth it. Because I am. Because of us. Because of our future. Because of everything.
Because. Just because.

Shattered.

Do you ever get that feeling? The feeling of total desperation that all you experience is numbness? The feeling of grasping at straws, but the straws are somehow gravity-defiant and they just float beyond your fingers, out of reach. The feeling of helplessness, of sudden depression, of self-pity, of doubt. 

The law of attraction states that you are what you think. Meaning, whatever you imagine will eventually become your reality. Truth is, I am too terrified to even think in terms of happiness. My thoughts wander and happy thoughts seem unfathomable sometimes. Deep down, I know that if I tried hard enough, if I wasn't so scared, I would probably win the war. But what are the odds? I don't know what's happening behind my back. I only have two eyes and there is only so much that I can do, only so much that I can handle.

I almost gave up on you, that's the truth. But in my moment of desperation, I asked for a sign. And I got one, as I always do. I hope that I don't read them wrongly in my eagerness to justify my wanting of you. How does does one know if something is considered a sign anyway? But then again, everything in life is an omen. What happens when one day I ask and the signs stop showing? What will I do then? I hope all these little indications are a precursor to better things, a happy ending, and not just some twisted divine joke. 

I need help, a miracle even. Help me, help me, help me. I'm dying to know how this story ends, but the naked truth is, I'm terrified.

"Help," she whispered.

I don't know what to feel. It seems so easy sometimes and when that period is gone, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and just break down.
Why is it that every time I am ready to let go, something happens that pulls me back in again?
Why?
Why can't just be happy like everybody else? When I choose to walk away, You give me another reason to stay.
It's not fair that I do. It's not fair that I listen to You. It's not fair that you suck me into this wild goose chase without me having any guarantees that in the end, I'll be alright.
It's not fair, but You're the only one I've got.