Now.

I promised myself never to be a fool again. But something has come over me. And now, in this very moment, I want to tell you... I love you.

Really now.

Trying so hard to be warm and sociable and nice and polite and sophisticated and happy during social interactions but deep down, 800% of the time I'm like

Neanderthals, the lot of them, I tell you.

"And the poets are just kids who didn't make it."

Lol, my attempt at writing a poem about the environment for my Introduction to Sociology class a few months ago.

Lilies bloom,
in the gloom, 
of a dirty river.

The morning breeze, 
blowing hard,
makes you shiver.

The warming rays
of the sun,
shining bright,
life's giver.

Beautiful to behold,
a sight to see, 
tress and flowers fringe the river.

Question is;
do we care
about nature,
even just a sliver?

"Let them know."

As we walked side by side, I felt a strange calmness wash over me. It was as though the whole scene was telling me that we fit, that this is the way it's supposed to be.
I smiled a small smile. Maybe it was.
Your left hand suddenly reaches for my right, trying to intertwine your fingers with mine. I struggle for a moment, panicking at your bold move. I turn to look at you, probing your reaction.
What are you doing? My face seemed to ask, shock clearly registered upon it.You smiled with contentment. Happy. It occurred to me that your hand was so soft.
"Let them know that you are the reason I called off the engagement," you said.

Tell Me

Tell me if you ever cared, 
if a single thought
for me was spared.

Tell me when you lie in bed,
do you think of something
I once said.

Tell me if you hurt at all,
when someone says 
my name with yours.

It may have been so long ago,
but I would give
the world to know. 

-Lang Leav

Sea of Strangers

In a sea of strangers you've longed to know me,

your life spent sailing to my shores;

the arms that yearn to someday hold me,

will ache beneath the heavy oars.

Please take your time and take it slowly,

as all you do will run its course;

and nothing else can take what only,

was always meant as solely yours.

-Lang Leav

Slumped Shoulders

The worst is over. And it turned out better than I expected. The next step is to move forward. I really wished you'd take the initiative to start the process. At least it would show me that I'm not the desperate one. The fact is, this whole situation is nerve-wrecking for me. I hope to God that I don't screw it up and that you won't be an uncooperative prick. Work with me here.
Final exam results are out and I have to say, I am deeply disappointed with my performance. Worried too much, and for what? The issue was long resolved. But thanks to you, I thought it wasn't and it killed me everyday. I just want you to be honest with me at all times. Lie to me once, no matter how small a lie, it will ruin your reputation in my eyes and you'd lose my respect forever. Don't waste your chances, boy.
Somehow I feel so broken inside. I try to put up a front that's 'together' but I'm guessing it's not exactly and Oscar-winning performance. So many elements add to the mix. You, college, liberty, my under-achievements, PMS, long holidays, weddings I have to attend every weekend, unproductiveness, procrastination, stacks of books I've bought but haven't had the time to read, everything, just everything.
Depression, depression, go away;
come again another day. Not.

Murmurs

His shoulders are broad, 
Like his smile. I think maybe,
"This man could love me."

A blank check. So where do we go from here?

The Twenty List

Situations choke you. They bog you down and shackle you. They break your spirit and render you worthless.

The people around you tell you to stop believing in your dreams. Dreams are hard. Belief is a tricky thing. I’ve always wondered and marvelled at the people who stick to their beliefs so religiously, to suffer in the process but in the end being able to live it out and bask in the sweetness of it all.

If I ever get the chance, I would tell you that I hate you from the bottom of my heart.

I hate you for:

1. making me hope
2. stealing glances
3. running after me
4. your friends who give me hope as well
5. your cowardice
6. your eyes
7. making me doubt
8. your inability to muster the courage to come talk to me
9. acting awkward and abnormal around me
10. not saying no
11. making me cry myself to sleep
12. still being stuck in your stupid predicament
13. being adorable
14. failing to be assertive
15. your ability to vanish into thin air
16. making me feel broken and empty
17. not fighting for me hard enough
18. being bold from a distance
19. making me believe
20. making me love you

If I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake you until you woke up from your stupor. Maybe… it would have been better if we never met? But miracles do happen, don't they?

Almost. Almost.

I've lost my smile. I've lost weight. I've lost sleep. I've lost my health. I've lost my head. I've lost my senses. I've lost my will. I've lost a lot and I’m still losing it.

The future scares me a lot. I lose cupfuls of tears thinking about it. Each day passes. The clock does its job, its hands ticking to a rhythm and stops for no one.

Every day is the same.

I wake up. Hope. Pray. Be hopeful. Remember. Think. Analyse. And then crumble.

One can only take so much. I’m not strong enough. I’m not one of those inspiring people you read about and idolize. I’m nobody’s hero. Let alone myself. I feel as though I am capable of nothing. And perhaps destined to remain mediocre for the rest of my life. Maybe a few highlights here and there but nothing lasting, just small imprints that nobody remembers the morning after, just vague memories that gets swept away by the blowing breeze. Just a face, without a name to it. Maybe no one will even bother to inquire about the girl who walked through the corridors of the faculty, ate at the cafe during lunch, paid attention in class, hoping to be on the Dean’s List every semester. Maybe no one will remember me. Unremarkable, sad, utterly forgettable.

How many people would notice my absence? How many would miss me when I’m gone. Most probably none.

It’s not that I’m complaining, it’s just that my luck always seems to fall short. How come everybody else gets a shot at what they want and how come I don’t qualify?

People kill people. Maybe not using guns or knives or bombs or even using their bare hands but sometimes by just being verbal. People kill with words too. You know how you come across these people who have been through a lot that their life practically deserves to be made into a movie? The ones that say they've been to hell and back and nothing could ever break them? We all wish we were just like them, or at least I wish so. To be so strong that nothing anybody did to hurt me would destroy me. But the reality is, the moment somebody says something that’s contrary to what I think, I feel immediately worthless. That paranoia just creeps into my brain and poisons my thinking. People’s realities are a reflection of their thoughts. I get so scared that what that person says might come true that I become immobile.

People pretend to care. They pretend to listen to your stories, nodding and exclaiming at the right moments, sighing when the situation seems slightly desperate. When you tell them your story, you’re letting them in, you’re being vulnerable, you’re risking trust, letting them know what stirs you, exposing the core of your being. But when you open your mouth to speak, the words seem empty and shallow. All of a sudden, you feel stupid for holding these things so dear to your heart and for letting others know. You fear their sneers, their jeers, their mocking voice in response, their judging stares. But just a moment ago you swear that these things are a part of you, the layers which made you you.

Lips service is all they do. One day they’re your cheerleaders, your haters in the next.

Life is more than frustrating sometimes. It makes you want to scream until you’re hoarse, to tear out your hair, to cry until your eyes sting and puff. Even when all that is done, the problems still remain and just refuse to go away.

I wish there was someone out there in the universe who understood me, wholly. Someone who would understand that some days I would be extremely difficult to handle, have bouts of depression and insecurities, smile at the little things and cry when something tugged at my heartstrings and still look at me the same way, without thinking I was weird or lame or dumb. Someone I could talk to about anything without being judged, someone who would know all the right things to say when I get upset. Someone who would be there during my lows and celebrate me during my highs. Someone who laughed at the same things I did. Someone with a sense of humor  Someone who likes reading, someone who is curious and random at the same time, and someone shy and bold, someone who would hug me when me world comes crashing down. Someone like me. I hope I find it in you. I hope to find you to complete me. To complete us. Until then, I hope I manage to find the strength to carry on.

I want to be happy.

Un-whole.

Because I am insecure. Because I don't know. Because I am not good enough. Because time is running out. Because the future is uncertain. Because everything is falling apart. Because of the silence. Because of distance. Because of pressure. Because of emotions. Because of glass. Because of tears. Because of assumptions. Because of soldiering on. Because of fatigue. Because of giving up. Because of contemplating. Because of over-thinking. Because of music. Because of beauty. Because of interpretations. Because of demons. Because of phantoms. Because of angels. Because of miracles. Because of magic. Because of belief. Because of brown eyes. Because of coffee. Because of muffins. Because of raindrops. Because of sunshine. Because of suffocation. Because of falling short. Because of missed chances. Because of cowardice. Because of elation. Because of confidence. Because of tricks. Because of the truth. Because of the lies. Because of time. Because of black watches. Because of broad shoulders. Because of hope. Because of drowning. Because of depression. Because of numbness.Because of chocolate chip cookies. Because of ignorance. Because of isolation. Because of breathing. Because of sleeping. Because of nightmares. Because of fantasies. Because of sweet dreams. Because of brownies. Because of Baskin Robbin's mint chocolate chip ice cream. Because of promises. Because of balloons. Because of fears. Because of words. Because of actions. Because of absence. Because of courage. Because of madness. Because sadness. Because of fragments. Because of memories. Because of hospital beds. Because of procrastination. Because of invincibility. Because of frailness. Because of screaming. Because of breaking down. Because of happiness. Because of bubbles. Because of blank pages. Because of color pencils. Because of long walks. Because of story books. Because of anticipation. Because of nervousness. Because of your smile. Because of your walk. Because of eye contact. Because of shyness. Because I met you. Because I want you. Because you're worth it. Because I am. Because of us. Because of our future. Because of everything.
Because. Just because.

Shattered.

Do you ever get that feeling? The feeling of total desperation that all you experience is numbness? The feeling of grasping at straws, but the straws are somehow gravity-defiant and they just float beyond your fingers, out of reach. The feeling of helplessness, of sudden depression, of self-pity, of doubt. 

The law of attraction states that you are what you think. Meaning, whatever you imagine will eventually become your reality. Truth is, I am too terrified to even think in terms of happiness. My thoughts wander and happy thoughts seem unfathomable sometimes. Deep down, I know that if I tried hard enough, if I wasn't so scared, I would probably win the war. But what are the odds? I don't know what's happening behind my back. I only have two eyes and there is only so much that I can do, only so much that I can handle.

I almost gave up on you, that's the truth. But in my moment of desperation, I asked for a sign. And I got one, as I always do. I hope that I don't read them wrongly in my eagerness to justify my wanting of you. How does does one know if something is considered a sign anyway? But then again, everything in life is an omen. What happens when one day I ask and the signs stop showing? What will I do then? I hope all these little indications are a precursor to better things, a happy ending, and not just some twisted divine joke. 

I need help, a miracle even. Help me, help me, help me. I'm dying to know how this story ends, but the naked truth is, I'm terrified.

"Help," she whispered.

I don't know what to feel. It seems so easy sometimes and when that period is gone, all I want to do is curl up into a ball and just break down.
Why is it that every time I am ready to let go, something happens that pulls me back in again?
Why?
Why can't just be happy like everybody else? When I choose to walk away, You give me another reason to stay.
It's not fair that I do. It's not fair that I listen to You. It's not fair that you suck me into this wild goose chase without me having any guarantees that in the end, I'll be alright.
It's not fair, but You're the only one I've got.

It's all I want.

I threw my hands in the air

I said, "Show me something."

He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."

Round and around and around and around we go

Now, tell me now

Tell me now

Tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

And it takes me all the way

I want you to stay

The reason I hold on

Cause I need this hole gone

It's funny you're the broken one

But I'm the only one who needed saving

Cause when you never see the lights

It's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

And it takes me all the way

I want you to stay

I want you to stay.

Bite Sizes

One day it's a yes, another it's a no. Now, I'm living in fear. Fear for the things I didn't do, fear for the things I should, fear for what has happened and what will be.
I'm scared. I'm just outright scared. Paranoia has officially made my mind its permanent residence. I hate living like this. Not knowing, wondering, speculating, fearing, expecting the worst.
I fear if I slip up on this one, my chance will never come again. What if, the truth was that I was never good enough for anyone in the first place? That would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Sometimes I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. To give up, give in and surrender.

Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone.

Puddy in Your Hands

My heart. That's all we ever seem to talk about here. And my fears. My heart and my fears. They go hand in hand. Never can my heart go on by itself for long periods of time without reaching out to its bosom buddy, fear.
It's a very unhealthy (for the lack of a better word) relationship, like one of those abusive cases you read about in the newspaper. One partner is abused time and again but chooses to remain in the relationship simply because he/she is psychologically incapable of facing a separation. Well, that probably sums up the extent of my heart's dependence on its drug, fear.
A single sign, no matter how big or small, would send me into fit of ecstasy. And you don't even know it. That's the best part. I was hoping and praying that I wouldn't be making the same mistakes again. But the question now is, am I? I can't even tell the difference anymore.
You know, it seems much simpler when you're not on the receiving end of the situation. When someone else comes up to you and tells you their problems, you provide them with a solution in a jiffy, telling them that the pain will pass, that hardship is temporary, that victory is around the next bend. And you actually believe the words that come out from your mouth. For the person's sake and sometimes, for your own.
But when the situation makes you the main star, you crumble. Suddenly all the big words that you've been mouthing off to everyone sounds shallow and hollow. The world instantly becomes a hostile place. Nobody actually knows what you're going through and when you finally open up to someone, you begin to realize that your issues are of no significance and that no one actually cares about your predicament. As you sit there telling them about your fears, a slow and heavy realization dawns on you. This person doesn't actually give a shit, he/she might only be pretending to listen most probably out of sympathy. You start to doubt yourself and that brings you to a whole new level of lows.
Dumb and empty. A horrible combination. No one should ever feel that way. But we can't predict the future. Or at least I can't. I have no idea what tomorrow has in store for me. I usually spend my time day-dreaming about things that I want to happen. If only they would materialize. If only. So apart from day-dreaming, I also spend my time being on my toes, hoping against hope that my worst fears don't see the light of day.
But that's just it isn't it? Focusing on my fears only worsens my state of mind and creates problems that weren't even there in the first place. And to top it off, based on the law of the world, giving so much thought and effort into your fears makes them come to life. Likewise if the same amount of effort is put into your whimsical day-dreams, they would also come true. Well, your subconscious mind IS more powerful than your conscious mind.
Whatever. Just strangle me already.

Ripples of the Heart

January is leaving us. 2013 might end before we've even comprehended that the calendar needs to be changed. Sixteen days ago I celebrated my 21st birthday. That would mean a number of things; among them is the fact that I am finally eligible to vote in my country's general election. That's pretty exciting for me, seeing that I am a Political Science major and all.
Anyhow.
So my semester holidays are drawing to a close. Three weeks are almost over and by next Monday, I'll be sitting in a classroom listening to my lecturer talking about politics and ideologies and current events and budgets and elections and politicians and midterms and assignments and presentations and warning us about not showing up late for class.
One part of me yearns to be back on campus and be productive, but the other part of me wants to stay at home and babysit Little Por Por so that I can spend my whole day kissing and slapping him. No doubt he gets on my nerves sometimes and interrupts my sleep every morning but I bet I'll miss him once I go back to campus. Why the hell are babies so addictively cute anyway? It should be illegal for them to be too cute.
Maybe that part of me that wants to just stay home is afraid of what the future will bring. What if something happened during the holidays that I don't know about? What if you've forgotten me? What if you hate me now? What if you've moved on?
That would kill me.
It's the new year and generally people make resolutions and wishes. So I've made some resolutions and so far I've completed one. Yes, it is a big deal for me. So yeay me!! And I have a few wishes too.
This year, I wish that it would be a happy and memorable one. I wish I'd be able to conquer my fears, to develop my abilities further and grow as a person. I wish I didn't hold back and hesitate on things that matter to me only to regret my inability to act upon them later. I wish I'd take all my chances when they are presented to me and do more fun things like go on a road trip or play paintball or volunteer for a charity  something.  I wish my biggest wish comes true and that I would have enough courage to follow it through. This year, I wish for a miracle.
Mostly, I wish for you.

...hoping you'd hold me closer.

You were so beautiful,
that it was almost unfair,
because there must be
millions of sleepless fools
who would lie awake,
while I dream of you
[the way you allow me to].

You were so beautiful,
that the strongest swimmer,
the most valiant warrior,
and even the fastest runner
would be found gasping
while standing perfectly still,
[merely by your presence].

You were so beautiful,
that you made modesty
seem far too unnecessary,
because a beauty like you
would never likely
come around again
[so I held you closer].