I've lost my smile. I've lost weight. I've lost sleep. I've lost my health. I've lost my head. I've lost
my senses. I've lost my will. I've lost a lot and I’m still losing it.
The future scares me
a lot. I lose cupfuls of tears thinking about it. Each day passes. The clock
does its job, its hands ticking to a rhythm and stops for no one.
I wake up. Hope. Pray.
Be hopeful. Remember. Think. Analyse. And then crumble.
One can only take so
much. I’m not strong enough. I’m not one of those inspiring people you read
about and idolize. I’m nobody’s hero. Let alone myself. I feel as though I am
capable of nothing. And perhaps destined to remain mediocre for the rest of my
life. Maybe a few highlights here and there but nothing lasting, just small
imprints that nobody remembers the morning after, just vague memories that gets
swept away by the blowing breeze. Just a face, without a name to it. Maybe no
one will even bother to inquire about the girl who walked through the corridors
of the faculty, ate at the cafe during lunch, paid attention in class, hoping
to be on the Dean’s List every semester. Maybe no one will remember me. Unremarkable,
sad, utterly forgettable.
How many people would
notice my absence? How many would miss me when I’m gone. Most probably none.
It’s not that I’m complaining,
it’s just that my luck always seems to fall short. How come everybody else gets
a shot at what they want and how come I don’t qualify?
People kill people. Maybe
not using guns or knives or bombs or even using their bare hands but sometimes
by just being verbal. People kill with words too. You know how you come across
these people who have been through a lot that their life practically deserves
to be made into a movie? The ones that say they've been to hell and back and
nothing could ever break them? We all wish we were just like them, or at least I
wish so. To be so strong that nothing anybody did to hurt me would destroy me. But
the reality is, the moment somebody says something that’s contrary to what I think,
I feel immediately worthless. That paranoia just creeps into my brain and
poisons my thinking. People’s realities are a reflection of their thoughts. I get
so scared that what that person says might come true that I become immobile.
People pretend to
care. They pretend to listen to your stories, nodding and exclaiming at the
right moments, sighing when the situation seems slightly desperate. When you
tell them your story, you’re letting them in, you’re being vulnerable, you’re
risking trust, letting them know what stirs you, exposing the core of your
being. But when you open your mouth to speak, the words seem empty and shallow.
All of a sudden, you feel stupid for holding these things so dear to your heart
and for letting others know. You fear their sneers, their jeers, their mocking
voice in response, their judging stares. But just a moment ago you swear that
these things are a part of you, the layers which made you you.
Lips service is all
they do. One day they’re your cheerleaders, your haters in the next.
Life is more than
frustrating sometimes. It makes you want to scream until you’re hoarse, to tear
out your hair, to cry until your eyes sting and puff. Even when all that is
done, the problems still remain and just refuse to go away.
I wish there was
someone out there in the universe who understood me, wholly. Someone who would
understand that some days I would be extremely difficult to handle, have bouts
of depression and insecurities, smile at the little things and cry when
something tugged at my heartstrings and still look at me the same way, without
thinking I was weird or lame or dumb. Someone I could talk to about anything
without being judged, someone who would know all the right things to say when I
get upset. Someone who would be there during my lows and celebrate me during my
highs. Someone who laughed at the same things I did. Someone with a sense of humor
Someone who likes reading, someone who is curious and random at the same time,
and someone shy and bold, someone who would hug me when me world comes crashing
down. Someone like me. I hope I find it in you. I hope to find you to complete
me. To complete us. Until then, I hope I manage to find the strength to carry on.
