My heart. That's all we ever seem to talk about here. And my fears. My heart and my fears. They go hand in hand. Never can my heart go on by itself for long periods of time without reaching out to its bosom buddy, fear.
It's a very unhealthy (for the lack of a better word) relationship, like one of those abusive cases you read about in the newspaper. One partner is abused time and again but chooses to remain in the relationship simply because he/she is psychologically incapable of facing a separation. Well, that probably sums up the extent of my heart's dependence on its drug, fear.
A single sign, no matter how big or small, would send me into fit of ecstasy. And you don't even know it. That's the best part. I was hoping and praying that I wouldn't be making the same mistakes again. But the question now is, am I? I can't even tell the difference anymore.
You know, it seems much simpler when you're not on the receiving end of the situation. When someone else comes up to you and tells you their problems, you provide them with a solution in a jiffy, telling them that the pain will pass, that hardship is temporary, that victory is around the next bend. And you actually believe the words that come out from your mouth. For the person's sake and sometimes, for your own.
But when the situation makes you the main star, you crumble. Suddenly all the big words that you've been mouthing off to everyone sounds shallow and hollow. The world instantly becomes a hostile place. Nobody actually knows what you're going through and when you finally open up to someone, you begin to realize that your issues are of no significance and that no one actually cares about your predicament. As you sit there telling them about your fears, a slow and heavy realization dawns on you. This person doesn't actually give a shit, he/she might only be pretending to listen most probably out of sympathy. You start to doubt yourself and that brings you to a whole new level of lows.
Dumb and empty. A horrible combination. No one should ever feel that way. But we can't predict the future. Or at least I can't. I have no idea what tomorrow has in store for me. I usually spend my time day-dreaming about things that I want to happen. If only they would materialize. If only. So apart from day-dreaming, I also spend my time being on my toes, hoping against hope that my worst fears don't see the light of day.
But that's just it isn't it? Focusing on my fears only worsens my state of mind and creates problems that weren't even there in the first place. And to top it off, based on the law of the world, giving so much thought and effort into your fears makes them come to life. Likewise if the same amount of effort is put into your whimsical day-dreams, they would also come true. Well, your subconscious mind
IS more powerful than your conscious mind.
Whatever. Just strangle me already.
