There's a label for what you're doing. It's called sabotage. Happiness is fleeting nowadays, almost alien to me. I've forgotten what it's like to feel happy and not worry about what might happen next. But along comes you to ruin a perfectly beautiful day. And you have the gall to pretend that you care. Over-analyzing every single thing only leads to worry and doubt and all the other unwanted feelings. When are you going to ever start living? Wait, let me answer that for you; never. Everybody dies, but not everybody lives. So when carefully examined and dissected, the only logical conclusion I managed to arrive at is that you want me to be doomed to the same fate as you. Always worrying for no apparent reason, jumping to fantastical conclusions without any basis for your suspicions and forever assuming, assuming and assuming! It's safe to say that this behavior can be categorized as sadistic. Yes, that's it.
Not everybody is going to lie to me. Not everybody is going to hurt me. Not everybody is going to make me cry. Even if they do, that's just life. I have to learn. Jot down notes as I go, so I don't forget. The secret to life is that when it beats you down seven times, you get up eight. People deserve chances. If there's no faith, you'll never go far. There's not always going to be a map for everything. Some things are just meant to be explored unchartered. Keeping me in a shell is not going to achieve anything. Things will play out the way it was always meant to be, whether you like it or not.
This is my life. My chance to shine. If I'm always going to be confined in the comfort zone, your comfort zone, might as well lock me up in a high tower with no escape route and let me waste away. Because waste away is exactly what you're trying to achieve. Don't try to deny it.
I'm nineteen for heaven's sake! Nineteen! A whole load of time to be utilized according to my whim and fancy. I know what I want. I know what I'm capable of. I know me. Hook or crook, I'll reach the top. Watch me. Stop making decisions for me and putting words into my mouth. Your bad habit is getting on my nerves. It's bloody unbearable. Stop smothering me, dammit! I'll decide what, when, how, why, who, where. Let my mistakes slap me in the face. I'll never grow up if you think deflecting them is the best defence.
Stop trying to control every single detail of my life. Or would you prefer it if I shut you out for good? Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. Trust me. Let me out into the world. I know the way back.
Gimme a break.There's no need to go all OCD on everything.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
You Make Me Feel Like!
I think I accidentally murdered the replay button. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. But I sincerely hope that you find peace where ever you are right now, dear Mr. Replay Button. I'm not trying to disperse blame or anything but it's not entirely my fault that the stupid song was stuck in my head for the whole day. Like seriously, I think there is a song for every life situation. Every single one of them. They think of everything, these musicians. From having a crush on someone and seeing life in full colors, to singing about suicide and other morbid nonsense. Coolio.
And Gabe Saporta just happened to be mouthing the words that have been lingering in my mind, dancing around in endless circles like the images conjured in the fire when Mr. Tumnus invited Lucy over for tea. The lyrics fit perfectly.
There's a suppression in my chest and it's taking huge amounts of control to keep it in tow. My heart feels like it could burst with joy. I feel like twirling around all the time, feel the breeze in my face. My lips are itching to break into a dopey smile and my tummy is voluntarily doing backflips. I feel like snatching glances at everyone I encounter just to make sure. Maybe, just maybe...
And then like a strangely clichéd movie with a predictable storyline, lunch happened. Minor heart attack FTW! My theory is that too much hope manifests into reality. Frankly, if reality was always this good, I'd like to live in the real world.
It'll be good while it lasts. No harm in making the most of it. After all, what rhymes with joy? ;)
And Gabe Saporta just happened to be mouthing the words that have been lingering in my mind, dancing around in endless circles like the images conjured in the fire when Mr. Tumnus invited Lucy over for tea. The lyrics fit perfectly.
There's a suppression in my chest and it's taking huge amounts of control to keep it in tow. My heart feels like it could burst with joy. I feel like twirling around all the time, feel the breeze in my face. My lips are itching to break into a dopey smile and my tummy is voluntarily doing backflips. I feel like snatching glances at everyone I encounter just to make sure. Maybe, just maybe...
And then like a strangely clichéd movie with a predictable storyline, lunch happened. Minor heart attack FTW! My theory is that too much hope manifests into reality. Frankly, if reality was always this good, I'd like to live in the real world.
It'll be good while it lasts. No harm in making the most of it. After all, what rhymes with joy? ;)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Midterm Conundrum
For two years, I have been waiting patiently for the day that I'd finally wake up from my mindless day-dreams and realize the real you. And that day has come. Thank God. I never knew what a good actor you were. Honestly, you deserve to be honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Everyone thinks you can do no wrong. Well, they should think again. Anyway, like my Mummy fondly said, "Good riddance of a bad thing." I bet she was break-dancing the moment I left the room after telling her that I kicked you out of my life. Down and out is where you should stay. And don't ever come back. I mean it. If you hadn't lied, at least I'd still have a sliver of respect for you. But lie you did. Let me make this clearer than chrystal: I absolutely despise liars. People resort to lying because they're scared to face the truth. And yes, you ARE a coward. If only I knew then what I knew now, it would have saved me a whole load of tears. List of words that best describe you include: liar, coward, deceitful, tactless, manipulative, fake, useless, hypocrite, jackass (and the list goes on). And that still doesn't even do the slightest bit of justice to your persona.
Fact is, you're just a bastard who broke my heart.
They say God gives you only things that you can handle and that every cloud has a silver lining. Just a few weeks ago everything seemed to fall apart before my eyes. It took me a lot to keep going and act normally as possible, to not break down with every breath I took. But things have turned up. I'm happy and I'd almost forgot how it felt like.
Thank you for being there. All of you. You know who you are. For listening to me whine, for wiping my tears as they roll down my cheeks, for giving me a much needed smile when everything seemed bleak, for sticking around, and for knowing exactly what to say and being brutally honest. Gracias, people.
And if I ever have a coherent conversation with you, not just spasms of awkward smiles and fumbled one-liners, I'd thank you personally for making me smile again.
Fact is, you're just a bastard who broke my heart.
They say God gives you only things that you can handle and that every cloud has a silver lining. Just a few weeks ago everything seemed to fall apart before my eyes. It took me a lot to keep going and act normally as possible, to not break down with every breath I took. But things have turned up. I'm happy and I'd almost forgot how it felt like.
Thank you for being there. All of you. You know who you are. For listening to me whine, for wiping my tears as they roll down my cheeks, for giving me a much needed smile when everything seemed bleak, for sticking around, and for knowing exactly what to say and being brutally honest. Gracias, people.
And if I ever have a coherent conversation with you, not just spasms of awkward smiles and fumbled one-liners, I'd thank you personally for making me smile again.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
In Her Place
It's been a whirlwind. From happy to sad, sad to happy. Everything has blown over. Mediocre fireworks that don't really arouse any feelings. Whatever. At least university has become a friendly refuge. But come the weekend, misery is my best friend. I never seem to accomplish anything in those 3 days. And the assignments keep piling up. Have mercy for heaven's sake. And sometimes I just wish everyone would shut up and ignore each other. Stop making my ears bleed. Petty things annoy me beyond rational comprehension.
Lunchtime-enlightenment is always a welcome. Talking to Cooper always makes me feel as if I'm losing IQ points but he's rational and awe-inspiring. Never thought I'd describe someone my age with those words, but yeah, and it's still grossly inadequate. Walking takes my mind off things. To be alone with my thoughts, to see random people on the street and how they act, and maybe even flash a smile in their direction. I've always loved it when a stranger smiles at me after a tough day. Makes me feel like flying. For those of you who fall under that category, thank you. You people are awesome.
Hope. Fresh hope. I like the feel of it on my skin. It gives an extra bounce in my step. Right now I want a grassy field, blue skies, and an unlimited amount of sunlight, so that I can bask in the sunshine and roll around until the lovegrass makes my body itch. The four days in a week are almost a blessing in disguise, apart from 3 hours of troll time. Bloody hell. Oh well, I guess you can't get everything.
I'm ready for new things. New beginnings and possibly loads of smiles. Things to look forward to, boys to crush on and snigger about. Cute History dude, you on my list. A blank new page is more than anything a person could hope for. Now it's up to me to dip the quill in ink and scribble in the details. Our generation is going to shape the future, and the generation after ours is going to remember us for it. Spread the word.
Maktub, she said. Time to shine.
Lunchtime-enlightenment is always a welcome. Talking to Cooper always makes me feel as if I'm losing IQ points but he's rational and awe-inspiring. Never thought I'd describe someone my age with those words, but yeah, and it's still grossly inadequate. Walking takes my mind off things. To be alone with my thoughts, to see random people on the street and how they act, and maybe even flash a smile in their direction. I've always loved it when a stranger smiles at me after a tough day. Makes me feel like flying. For those of you who fall under that category, thank you. You people are awesome.
Hope. Fresh hope. I like the feel of it on my skin. It gives an extra bounce in my step. Right now I want a grassy field, blue skies, and an unlimited amount of sunlight, so that I can bask in the sunshine and roll around until the lovegrass makes my body itch. The four days in a week are almost a blessing in disguise, apart from 3 hours of troll time. Bloody hell. Oh well, I guess you can't get everything.
I'm ready for new things. New beginnings and possibly loads of smiles. Things to look forward to, boys to crush on and snigger about. Cute History dude, you on my list. A blank new page is more than anything a person could hope for. Now it's up to me to dip the quill in ink and scribble in the details. Our generation is going to shape the future, and the generation after ours is going to remember us for it. Spread the word.
Maktub, she said. Time to shine.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Stupid by Definition
The only thing I'm capable of doing now is cry. There's nothing else for me to do except sit around and be useless. Every damn thing seems to be my fault, one way or another. I want to give up. To run away and leave all my problems behind. To not feel hopelessly trapped, to not be worrying about mounds of assignments I should be doing, to not worry about anything. I want to die, more than anything right now. I know it's a very cowardly thing to say but at least dead people don't break down or have to do anything for that matter. I'm not ready to go but what other options are open to me? I want a plane ticket to the end of the earth so that when I reach my destination, the crust will split open and swallow me up into the pit of its stomach. The tears are flowing freely as I type this and I don't know what else to do. I feel crushed, broken and beaten down, kicked around and still not immune to the pain.
Every damn thing is my fault. Rub it in my face. Scream it to me so that I hear the words loud and clear. Make me feel bad. I need a break. I need a hug. I need support. I need so many things and I have none. I want to be heard. I'm irrational. I can't think straight. I need a candle and a hand to lead the way. I can't take any of this right now. I want to run as far as possible. I want to crouch in a corner and cry til I'm physically broken. I hate myself. I hate everything.
Shun me. Hate me. Push me away. Evil people deserve evil things, no? There's no where to turn to. Doors closed, windows latched. I can't be strong. I'm going out of my mind. Deaf ears all around. Cynical smiles and faces of sympathy that look down on me because of my weakness. My fault, my fault. I'm so alone. Cold and alone. Tired and alone. Depressed and alone. Vulnerable and hopeless. I want to stand at the edge of a cliff and just pretend that I can't see that I'm about to fall off the edge. One more step to oblivion. No matter how hard I wish, this feeling lingers, like the smell of shower gel on my skin even after a long day. It smells sweet, but suffocating at the same time; as if its secretly trying to asphyxiate me with its aroma.
Take me away. Far away. Erase my memories. Let me start afresh. My own terms. Undo my mistakes. I need to take another look at things that have slinked by. I'd wish for a dead heart. Honestly, life should come with a free rewind button.
Every damn thing is my fault. Rub it in my face. Scream it to me so that I hear the words loud and clear. Make me feel bad. I need a break. I need a hug. I need support. I need so many things and I have none. I want to be heard. I'm irrational. I can't think straight. I need a candle and a hand to lead the way. I can't take any of this right now. I want to run as far as possible. I want to crouch in a corner and cry til I'm physically broken. I hate myself. I hate everything.
Shun me. Hate me. Push me away. Evil people deserve evil things, no? There's no where to turn to. Doors closed, windows latched. I can't be strong. I'm going out of my mind. Deaf ears all around. Cynical smiles and faces of sympathy that look down on me because of my weakness. My fault, my fault. I'm so alone. Cold and alone. Tired and alone. Depressed and alone. Vulnerable and hopeless. I want to stand at the edge of a cliff and just pretend that I can't see that I'm about to fall off the edge. One more step to oblivion. No matter how hard I wish, this feeling lingers, like the smell of shower gel on my skin even after a long day. It smells sweet, but suffocating at the same time; as if its secretly trying to asphyxiate me with its aroma.
Take me away. Far away. Erase my memories. Let me start afresh. My own terms. Undo my mistakes. I need to take another look at things that have slinked by. I'd wish for a dead heart. Honestly, life should come with a free rewind button.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The Silence of the Sufferer
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
Will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
Everyday I wake up to the burning on the left side of my chest. It feels like someone deliberately left the Bunsen burner on to finish what it started. Effective in waking me up from my much needed but fretful sleep, I dare say. It is the feeling of raw pain, staring at you right in the face, taunting you because it knows damn well it has the upper hand, that you're helpless against its sneers. It grips the heart with poisoned fingers, caresses it and laughs inwardly to itself. There's only so much I can do to quell it. And as I raise myself up to a sitting position, I realize that no amount of comfy pillows and warm blankets can stem the fear rising at the back of my throat. Eventually I crumble, letting the tears run rampant and sobs shake my body.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
But get up, I do. Standing beneath the trickling shower of hot water, I know that the situation is virtually hopeless. What shall I do now? In the aftermath of my highly irrational decision, I have no one to blame except me. But anyone in my shoes would have done the same thing. Wouldn't they? Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt. And the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is: never make decisions when your hormones decide to go bungee jumping. I'll try to imprint that onto my brain and hopefully it'll stay there. Breakfast is a challenge nowadays to try and keep the food where it belongs. Swallowing alone is a milestone. I have no control over anything now. I feel trapped. Ripped off. Alone. Frustratingly and painfully alone.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one I won't touch again
Why couldn't you just come out and say it? Would have saved me the time and false hopes. The stars will still wink to life at night and the wind blow in due course but nothing stays the same. What happened? Why? Mostly why. Always why. Just why.
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
You should have said it. What did you have to lose? Nothing. Maybe something to gain. It's murdering my ego more than you know it but yes, maybe something to gain. You should have said it. I asked you not once, not twice. The truth would have been bearable then. The accumulation of hopes fractured my soul and dropped to the ground like dead weight because gravity beckoned. Unfair, unfair, unfair. No matter which way it's twisted, fate's dark humor always prevails. And most of the time people don't get the joke; they don't even laugh when it's funny. They stare with empty eyes and blank faces.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can see what's good for you
Answers. Answers to the questions at the tip of my tongue. Anwers to the questions swirling around in my mind. Why not tell me to leave in my face if I was a mere friend? One friend lost and another to be gained, no worries. But why the hesitation and broken voice? Maybe closure is what's needed. But deep down I have an inkling that we're not over yet. Please. I don't know what else to do.
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile, come back and shine just like it used to be
And she whispered, "How could you do this to me?"
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you
Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
Will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space
Everyday I wake up to the burning on the left side of my chest. It feels like someone deliberately left the Bunsen burner on to finish what it started. Effective in waking me up from my much needed but fretful sleep, I dare say. It is the feeling of raw pain, staring at you right in the face, taunting you because it knows damn well it has the upper hand, that you're helpless against its sneers. It grips the heart with poisoned fingers, caresses it and laughs inwardly to itself. There's only so much I can do to quell it. And as I raise myself up to a sitting position, I realize that no amount of comfy pillows and warm blankets can stem the fear rising at the back of my throat. Eventually I crumble, letting the tears run rampant and sobs shake my body.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
But get up, I do. Standing beneath the trickling shower of hot water, I know that the situation is virtually hopeless. What shall I do now? In the aftermath of my highly irrational decision, I have no one to blame except me. But anyone in my shoes would have done the same thing. Wouldn't they? Maybe it's a lesson to be learnt. And the one that sticks out like a sore thumb is: never make decisions when your hormones decide to go bungee jumping. I'll try to imprint that onto my brain and hopefully it'll stay there. Breakfast is a challenge nowadays to try and keep the food where it belongs. Swallowing alone is a milestone. I have no control over anything now. I feel trapped. Ripped off. Alone. Frustratingly and painfully alone.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one I won't touch again
Why couldn't you just come out and say it? Would have saved me the time and false hopes. The stars will still wink to life at night and the wind blow in due course but nothing stays the same. What happened? Why? Mostly why. Always why. Just why.
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
You should have said it. What did you have to lose? Nothing. Maybe something to gain. It's murdering my ego more than you know it but yes, maybe something to gain. You should have said it. I asked you not once, not twice. The truth would have been bearable then. The accumulation of hopes fractured my soul and dropped to the ground like dead weight because gravity beckoned. Unfair, unfair, unfair. No matter which way it's twisted, fate's dark humor always prevails. And most of the time people don't get the joke; they don't even laugh when it's funny. They stare with empty eyes and blank faces.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can see what's good for you
Answers. Answers to the questions at the tip of my tongue. Anwers to the questions swirling around in my mind. Why not tell me to leave in my face if I was a mere friend? One friend lost and another to be gained, no worries. But why the hesitation and broken voice? Maybe closure is what's needed. But deep down I have an inkling that we're not over yet. Please. I don't know what else to do.
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile, come back and shine just like it used to be
And she whispered, "How could you do this to me?"
Saturday, September 24, 2011
A Reckoning
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurting while I'm with you
Though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
I'm scared. Scared shitless. Scared straight. Whatever. Bottom line is, I'm scared. Apprehensive. I don't know how tonight will turn out.
The question is, why lead me on when you have no intention of falling through? It sucks. Actually, the word sucks is inadequate in describing the emotional turmoil I'm going through. And the crime scene in my pants isn't helping in any way either. Fucking hormones. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck. Like seriously.
And Monday is coming around the corner all too soon. Back to bad management, screeching brakes, blue roofs and dismal tiles. I hate my life. There's a nagging at the back of my head, reminding me that I have to start working on those assignments before they rival Everest in height. But I'm stuck and I feel like crying. Oh wait, crying is the only damned thing I've been doing since last week. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection in it. Swollen eyes, messy hair and tears that leave salty crusts in their wake.
I'm going to pick up the phone tonight and probably listen to your voice for the last time. Its killing me. For this past week, everytime I see you name, my heart feels like it's being squeezed by a hand cast in iron. If you could only imagine how that feels. Hurts, doesn't it?
If I just liked you, it wouldn't be a problem for me to turn around and walk away and just pretend that none of this ever happened. The thing is, I love you.
If only you knew.
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